Today's post is going to be about f**ks.
Bear with me, there is a point to my cussing I swear (pun intended - that one's for you Dad!)
This year I am trying to embrace a new way of thinking. Not so much about not caring, or disassociating from things when they get too rough, tough and real. Rather I am trying to have a healthy attitude about what I can control, which things I can choose to let have an impact on me, and which ones I can choose to look at in a more positive light.
I am trying to treat life like a rollercoaster you can't get off. If you stop screaming for just a minute, open your eyes, take some deep breaths and relax... you might actually enjoy it.
I had had a conversation that day about 'temptation bundling', sandwiching something you are reluctant to do in amongst incentivising temptations.
I decided I wasn't allowed to play SIMS 4 (tragic I know) until I went for a walk, I then added the allure of a large hot Mocha if I got out of the house, and downloaded an audio book of a novel I have been wanting to read, Mark Manson's 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*CK'.
I hugged many a tree for moral support, as well as physical! .. my legs didn't understand the concept of 'upright' and I struggled to sip away at my water bottle, resisting the urge to chug it all back in one go, or pour the entire contents over my head. I smiled at passersby, loathing their calm collected faces as they jogged back down, having already reached the summit, goal achieved, the worst behind them. I sneered inwardly at the perfumed ladies passing me, smelling sweetly of flowers and exotic musks, while I sweated profusely with nothing more than a dab of deodorant under each arm... and smelling distinctly of the mossy rock I had lain down on not 5 minutes before.
But, painstaking ascent of the mountain aside, I wanted to talk a bit about the theme of the book.
I won't reveal any spoilers for those wanting to read it for themselves, not that it is the kind of book that really has any spoilers, you kind of just have to read it (or listen) and take from it what you will.
But in a nutshell... MY takeaway was this:
Stop trying so hard to be happy, to avoid pain and suffering and to ooze success.. because experiencing pain and suffering is unavoidable. You don't have to feel HAPPINESS all the time and it is really about choosing what things are worth suffering for, what pain is worth enduring, and being okay with things being shit sometimes, because we aren't perfect, we aren't supposed to be.
Nature is geared toward dissent. Unsatisfied creatures are all around us. It makes us industrious.
If everyone and everything was perfectly content, they wouldn't strive for food, for industry, for reproduction, to innovate, to create, to LIVE. We would all just sit back in perfect admiration for ourselves and our lives, and we wouldn't want to change or improve anything.
I found that comforting, to think, yeah okay, some things in life are going to upset me or feel difficult, but I can choose WHICH things I am going to let upset me, I can decide if they are worth getting upset about. And being upset isn't necessarily a bad thing, It inspires us to change things, it spurs on decisions, actions and problem solving.
Some of the greatest creations in this world were solutions to smaller problems, and then were used for a multitude of other great big things. ACCIDENTS and MISTAKES have led to great discoveries in the field of science and medicine. Some of my biggest regrets in life lead to some of my best decisions. So I choose not to regret anymore, just to adapt, re-assess and make do.
"I'd rather live a life of OH WELLS than WHAT IFS"
A quote I picked up from an internet comment section, I feel like this strikes a chord.
Every happy occurrence is inexplicably linked to an unhappy one from our past, every action has a reaction and an outcome, and if we take away any of the formulae, the sum would end up different. If I delete the bad, I might delete something good along with it. It's like pairing all your favourite books with a book you wish you hadn't bothered to read. Yeah, you might never get back the hours spent reading Fifty Shades of Grey... but imagine if never reading it meant you also didn't get to read your favourite book ever? I would read that trash 100 times over to lose myself once more in War and Peace, or Into The Silent Land. I would read the entire series (which I unfortunately did) to be able to read J.K Rowling's Harry Potter, or Jean M Auel's Earth Children series once more!
Memories and mistakes are like that. Throw away one, throw away others good and bad alike, that were only made possible from the lessons you learned and the person you are now, is because of them.
So onward and upward. I know this sounds like a sickening pep-talk, and it is in a way. More for me than for you, but you are welcome to extract any inspiration from it you can. Life can play hard ball sometimes, and I feel like my plate is overflowing at the moment. I struggle sometimes to resist the urge to curl up in the foetal position and scream out "somebody else's turn!".
But the big thing that keeps me going is; that if I let someone else take over, if I give up and say enough is enough, if I stop trying and doing my best, all that I am capable of... then I cannot look in the mirror and say "You are someone I LIKE and respect" and that is everything.
The one person I can count on spending the rest of my life with.. is me.
So here's to progress, to betterment and learning to love, forgive and expect more (but not too much) from ourselves.
Here's to enjoying, celebrating and capitalising on every success and achievement, while accepting, learning and growing from each mistake.
I dedicate this post to all my friends, family and supports that have and are inspiring me to do better, be better, and feel better, and choose what to give a f**k about!. I hope you can all be, do and feel those things too xoxox