Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Today's post is going to be about f**ks. 

I know, I know, that sounds very un-PC.
Bear with me, there is a point to my cussing I swear (pun intended - that one's for you Dad!)

This year I am trying to embrace a new way of thinking. Not so much about not caring, or disassociating from things when they get too rough, tough and real. Rather I am trying to have a healthy attitude about what I can control, which things I can choose to let have an impact on me, and which ones I can choose to look at in a more positive light.
I am trying to treat life like a rollercoaster you can't get off. If you stop screaming for just a minute, open your eyes, take some deep breaths and relax... you might actually enjoy it.

Several Sundays ago, I begrudgingly dragged my lazy butt up Mount Manaia. No easy feat when you've been inactive for a better part of 12 months or more, and you decide to launch back into it full speed ahead, rather than build up your fitness in the sensible manner.
I had had a conversation that day about 'temptation bundling', sandwiching something you are reluctant to do in amongst incentivising temptations.
I decided I wasn't allowed to play SIMS 4 (tragic I know) until I went for a walk, I then added the allure of a large hot Mocha if I got out of the house, and downloaded an audio book of a novel I have been wanting to read, Mark Manson's 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*CK'.

Walking up was horrific. My lungs were dying, I took way too many rests to justify, sometimes I was crazy enough to run up the endless staircases wending their way into the distance, sometimes I damn near crawled up.
I hugged many a tree for moral support, as well as physical! .. my legs didn't understand the concept of 'upright' and I struggled to sip away at my water bottle, resisting the urge to chug it all back in one go, or pour the entire contents over my head. I smiled at passersby, loathing their calm collected faces as they jogged back down, having already reached the summit, goal achieved, the worst behind them. I sneered inwardly at the perfumed ladies passing me, smelling sweetly of flowers and exotic musks, while I sweated profusely with nothing more than a dab of deodorant under each arm... and smelling distinctly of the mossy rock I had lain down on not 5 minutes before.

However, with Mark Manson's words in my ear,  I was able to simultaneously laugh and enlighten my way up that mountain. And spoiler alert, I reached the top... it was epic, and despite the heavy foot traffic, I was able to sit up top for a good 20mins taking in the view, buffeted by the winds, with only a brave cicada for company.
But, painstaking ascent of the mountain aside, I wanted to talk a bit about the theme of the book.
I won't reveal any spoilers for those wanting to read it for themselves, not that it is the kind of book that really has any spoilers, you kind of just have to read it (or listen) and take from it what you will.
But in a nutshell... MY takeaway was this:

Give less fucks, by caring less about the unimportant. So that you can spend your fucks, on things that truly matter.
Stop trying so hard to be happy, to avoid pain and suffering and to ooze success.. because experiencing pain and suffering is unavoidable. You don't have to feel HAPPINESS all the time and it is really about choosing what things are worth suffering for, what pain is worth enduring, and being okay with things being shit sometimes, because we aren't perfect, we aren't supposed to be.
Nature is geared toward dissent. Unsatisfied creatures are all around us. It makes us industrious.
If everyone and everything was perfectly content, they wouldn't strive for food, for industry, for reproduction, to innovate, to create, to LIVE. We would all just sit back in perfect admiration for ourselves and our lives, and we wouldn't want to change or improve anything.

I found that comforting, to think, yeah okay, some things in life are going to upset me or feel difficult, but I can choose WHICH things I am going to let upset me, I can decide if they are worth getting upset about. And being upset isn't necessarily a bad thing, It inspires us to change things, it spurs on decisions, actions and problem solving.
Some of the greatest creations in this world were solutions to smaller problems, and then were used for a multitude of other great big things. ACCIDENTS and MISTAKES have led to great discoveries in the field of science and medicine. Some of my biggest regrets in life lead to some of my best decisions. So I choose not to regret anymore, just to adapt, re-assess and make do.

"I'd rather live a life of OH WELLS than WHAT IFS"
A quote I picked up from an internet comment section, I feel like this strikes a chord.
Every happy occurrence is inexplicably linked to an unhappy one from our past, every action has a reaction and an outcome, and if we take away any of the formulae, the sum would end up different. If I delete the bad, I might delete something good along with it. It's like pairing all your favourite books with a book you wish you hadn't bothered to read. Yeah, you might never get back the hours spent reading Fifty Shades of Grey... but imagine if never reading it meant you also didn't get to read your favourite book ever? I would read that trash 100 times over to lose myself once more in War and Peace, or Into The Silent Land. I would read the entire series (which I unfortunately did) to be able to read J.K Rowling's Harry Potter, or Jean M Auel's Earth Children series once more!
Memories and mistakes are like that. Throw away one, throw away others good and bad alike, that were only made possible from the lessons you learned and the person you are now, is because of them.

So onward and upward. I know this sounds like a sickening pep-talk, and it is in a way. More for me than for you, but you are welcome to extract any inspiration from it you can. Life can play hard ball sometimes, and I feel like my plate is overflowing at the moment. I struggle sometimes to resist the urge to curl up in the foetal position and scream out "somebody else's turn!".
But the big thing that keeps me going is; that if I let someone else take over, if I give up and say enough is enough, if I stop trying and doing my best, all that I am capable of... then I cannot look in the mirror and say "You are someone I LIKE and respect" and that is everything. 
The one person I can count on spending the rest of my life with.. is me. 

So here's to progress, to betterment and learning to love, forgive and expect more (but not too much) from ourselves. 
Here's to enjoying, celebrating and capitalising on every success and achievement, while accepting, learning and growing from each mistake. 

I dedicate this post to all my friends, family and supports that have and are inspiring me to do better, be better, and feel better, and choose what to give a f**k about!. I hope you can all be, do and feel those things too xoxox

Outdated

Dating.

Chances are you've probably experienced it, at least once in your life, maybe recently, maybe not in the last decade. But most people have had at least one date that didn't go so smoothly.
If you are a sucker for punishment, or just have saint-like patience and tenacity, you may have weathered many a bad date, and lived to tell the tale.
I considered regaling you all with some of the more amusing dating fails I have had, but thought better of it considering the size of the town in which I live and the far-reaching arms of the internet!


Personally I am usually adverse to all things dating related, such as: relationships, love, marriage, humanity and most of mankind... *ahem*
 Well,  at least that's the conclusion I often inadvertently come to, after a sub-par date, unrequited attraction, or a new relationship fizzles out. Then, after a self imposed period of solitude, I become bored, frustrated, lonely, or all of the above, and I jump back into the thick of it, convinced this time I know exactly what I want, and maybe even who I want it with.

Firstly,
I am pretty happy on my own overall.
I got to experience over a decade with someone! After experiencing real love, marriage, having two babies together, separation and eventually divorce, I feel like I have had a taste of everything relationships have to offer, and I am not missing out on any of the great experiences in life.

Love is great, and companionship is wonderful, but each time I get a pang of loneliness, or start to feel my life is incomplete, I try to remind myself of the things in singledom that would be hard to give up for anyone less than awesome! I like to pretend that is the only reason I am so often single, that it's simply because I am too lazy to go looking for Mr Right.. but I am not exactly fighting them back from the door either!

I must admit, after one of my more recent bouts of loneliness, where I embarked on several dates (and tried my best to act like a regular human being), I did meet someone lovely, whom I am cautiously 'dating exclusively' from a distance, and holding my breath a little that it pans out accordingly.
Even that being said, I think the only reason it is working out so far, is that we each have our own lives to attend to first and foremost, and we are united by our need for independence, but also the desire to share some time, hobbies, interests and activities together, along with long winded conversations on geeky topics, followed with existential questions on life and the universe.
However lest I scare him off (like I am so talented in doing), let's look at some of my top reasons for seriously considering a life of spinster-hood with my cat and computer.

1. Netflix is already my BF.
When in a relationship, especially when kids are involved, alone time is limited, so any TV time must be divided equally or a compromise of tastes. If you can find common ground and common shows to watch, excellent! But if entire seasons of single Sarah favourites go unwatched because the new BF doesn't dig binge watching Task Master, or respect your need for Outlander night, then things are going to get dicey!
Netflix would get jealous if I started spending too much time with someone else. I could never do that to Netflix. Netflix is BAE.






2. Relationship Routine.
Not that I have ever been very good with routines, but I hear it is a thing you do? Going to bed at the same time as each other at night, eating meals together, spending days off together, planning dates and going on weekends away. I can already see my calendar cringing now! Sarah doesn't do planning.  Sarah does spontaneous! Sarah goes to bed at 3am sometimes because she leaves things to the last minute and has to stay up to get them done!
Sarah also talks about herself in the third person.... apparently.






3. Make-up and Maintenance.
I have been known to shave my legs, dye my hair, and even put on a face full of makeup with some level of expertise. But the expectation that I am going to be bothered doing that on a regular basis is slim to nil. The inner sloth inside just can't quite be bothered asking around, to find out who is into the Shrek storyline, because this princess definitely transforms back into an ogress rather frequently!









4. Goal Keeping.
I have goals, I have things I procrastinate endlessly about, and I have things I have knocked out the park and feel quite pleased with myself over. But for all these things, I only have myself to disappoint.. partnerships should be about loving and appreciating each other as individuals, about pushing and providing enough space and support for each other to achieve their individual best.
While having a cheerleader on the side line definitely helps with motivation, at the end of the day, I need to make sure that everything I do is driven by my own drive. Because you don't want your stack of cards to tumble if someone takes half the deck away.



5. Hermit-crabbing.
Anyone that knows me KNOWS I am a hermit crab. I self selected the noble Sloth as my super spirit animal, but I alas, I am not a pure-bred sloth. I am the almighty hermit sloth, with a love for day naps, and hiding from life.
So while I can lavish time, attention, love and devotion in bucketfuls upon those I care about. Sometimes I just need to crawl back into my shell and recharge, I have nothing left for anyone.
As much as I would love a full time relationship one day, where I can be around someone 24/7 and not feel drained or like stabbing them (is that even possible???), I feel like life at the moment is a continuous science experiment.  I am still figuring out the right equation, the right balance and mix of elements and ingredients, which sometimes blows up spectacularly... but hey, even messy explosions teach us something about something!

6. Crazy Collections.
I blame my hoarding habits on my father, who over the years trained and conditioned us to ferret out collectables for his collections, whenever we adventured outside. We dug up old bottles on abandoned farmland, collected beach pegs from the tidelines, the more barnacled the better!
Smooth sea glass and unusual shells, peculiar rocks and small crystals... soon my own collection grew. My minimalist mother, and like-minded sister (who had the bad fortune of sharing a room with me) collectively pulled their hair out trying to control my overflowing clutter.
I'm not sure where on the scale of 'desirable' and 'sexy' my collections of Ugly Twee ornaments, classic books, art supplies, teapots, stationary and fridge magnets falls. But I am pretty sure they would feature more favourably on 'The Undateables' then on the 'Bachelor' or your average Tinder bio!

I could go on with this post I am sure.
Most definitely there are plenty of perks to being single, like not needing to worry about things like snoring, blanket hogging, sharing snacks (kids aside) or in-laws and getting along with their friends, whom you may or may not even like.
However. Like with anything in life, everything has a flip side. We are a social creature and I believe we benefit immensely from giving love, caring for others, and nurturing and being nurtured alike.
As much as I love to hermit, and as much love as I give and receive with family and friends abound...  the chemical connection that romantic love/lust gives us, is nothing to sniff your nose at. 'Netflix and Chill' takes on an entirely different meaning when you are doing it with your BFF or your cat!

I will finish off with an excerpt from a poem I enjoyed, by Khalil Gibran:
~
"Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls"
~
And for those of you still looking for love, don't give up hope. If Donald Trump can find someone willing to marry him, then there is surely someone out there for us all! Mwahaha.